My Struggle with Femininity: Overwhelming Beauty Demands.

 

What I thought was femininity 

Femininity is not as simple as it seems. It is a concept that has evolved over time and differs from one culture to another. But in general, we can say that being feminine means being female and behaving in a way that society considers appropriate for females at that particular moment in time. Along with this society bombards women with an overwhelming amount of Beauty Demands.

I never really had a first hand experience on femininity. My mother was a working class mother in Lagos, trying to raise three children while her husband was abroad. So you can imagine what time she had for herself. Needless to say my mother was never caught "un-fresh". She always made sure she had her hair done, shaved her legs, restock on her earrings, her body creams (all anti-aging) and the usual "Shirley" for any unwanted blemishes. My sister and I would act plays in her wigs and head wraps and clutches. 

If there's anything I ever looked forward to all my life, it was adulting, so I could use all the grown up things my mother used.

The irony is now I'm an adult, and its proving harder than I thought

My Rude Awakening

My Mother wasn't one of those outlandish Lagos women, with heavy gold ornaments and expensive wigs. Regardless of her pocket size, she was just a simple woman. I always loved that about her, because no matter how simple, she always stepped out looking good. I soon found out that good is now just Basic

A little Background, this is all I've known about skin care

• Body Lotions : I assumed was for all parts of the body.
• Cleansers
• Deodorants (Always preferred the men's, that lasted longer)
• Perfumes

As with most of my rude awakening, this also started at the university. People would ask me what cream I used, according to them, my skin glowed. At first I was confused by this question, wondering if there were any special creams for glowing, apart from the regular Vaseline lotion I used. In my naivety, I would show them and they would laugh. Being used to bullying, I'd shrug it off. Then I realized, there was a lot more than just body lotions. They were scrubs, salts, face creams. hand creams, sunscreens etc. a whole set for different skin types, tones and undertones.

What was even more outrageous , was how expensive theses items were. Some girls would spend my entire allowance for a month on these sets. At that point, I thought they were luxury, but now i realize they weren't even close to luxury, just cheap imitations.

It was quite fascinating to me, while I'd stress about upcoming tests and exams. some girls would stress about not being able to buy "my soap" or "my cream". They'd  fantasize about products to buy, while I fantasied about just graduating. 

More than Skincare

While in school, I usually run to my uncle's house in a nearby city, whenever we had short breaks. Now I have never really cared for hair, so I was never saving towards buying weaves and wigs. In fact, I had a hair cut in my 200level, which a lot girls considered to be social suicide. It was a fun time for me, showering in particular was fun.  

My aunt was my first encounter of a truly feminine woman. The first time I met her I was about 6, and I was so fascinated by her hair (which was actually a long weave), I braided it and was fully ready to play hairdresser for the rest of the night. She was just shiny with her acrylic nails, something I only saw on tv, and her short shorts. 

Aunt maintained it, she always had her hair done, almost like it was an abomination for her to carry her natural hair. If she missed hair appointments, the appointments came to her. She wasn't good at makeup, but when the occasion arose(really every weekend), she heads to the makeup studio for the necessary beat. Always looking flawless. 

We were always at war, because I wasn't as fem as my cousins. Now don't get me wrong, I am not  a tomboy, as a matter of fact I will say I am fairly good at makeup (even did makeup for my aunt once or twice). I just never really prioritized certain aspects of beauty. We were always at war, my aunt and I, she thought money was the problem, so she'd give me money to go make my hair, and I wouldn't. When I did, I'd do something soo simple she'd just stare at me in shock and say as usual; "This girl, I really don't know what your problems is?"

And even more...

Whenever my colleagues gush over a new bag or new shoes, I honestly cannot relate. I think of comfort and functionality first, and a pea-sized bag, where I can barely even fit my phone, doesn't scream that to me. Unfortunately, not sure if it is right, but all these have been associated with being a delicate feminine woman. Even men ascribe to these ideals, I was once asked by a stranger why I didn't get my nails done (it is noteworthy that this person wasn't asking to pay for it), another said I'd look prettier if I got my skin bleached (yes colorist much).

While I admit that this beauty regimens can be extreme, I do not look down on it. I have tried a little and I could see the clear difference in just my overall presence. I have also seen the effects of neglecting yourself or self care routines. So while it may not come first to me, sometimes I'd have to force myself to do these things even if it's just the basics. Just like exercising, a short brisk walk could make a difference even if it's just the basics.

 So if you're reading this, struggling as I am, you're definitely not alone! Don't just drown in a pool of products!