I had always heard the catch phrases “you need to the work," “you need to heal," and “you need to let go." For a long time I thought it was all balderdash. What work could I possibly do to help myself out of this mess when I felt so helpless? It just didn’t make sense. For a long time I didn’t realize I was floating. It was like everything was passing through me and I was letting it. Stress, pain, anger, and frustrations of others, but it wouldn’t leave. It had lodged somewhere in my heart and my brain. I thought they were going into the trash, but I couldn’t be more wrong. Like a decrepit hoarder, I was storing everything I thought I needed, unbeknown to my conscious mind. After a while I started to feel numb, joy, happiness, anger, excitement, and hope, to name a few; all seemed to have gone on a long vacation. It's funny that even while I thought I was numb, one overwhelming, domineering emotion persisted and colonized my entire world: sadness. Sadness had been cr...

    The Familiar Places My Parents Call Home The places my parents call home feel strangely familiar — not because I know them well, but because they live so vividly in my imagination. Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about those places. There’s a peace that clings to them — a calmness in villages where time seems to have paused. Especially my mother’s village. My mum is a storyteller, and I hope I’ll be able to share her stories with the world someday. When she describes scenes from her childhood, it’s hard to imagine that a place so slow and seemingly forgotten could hold such colour, adventure, and life. Visits to a Forgotten Time I have been to my mother's village at least three times in my life, and if it was more than that, I must have been too young to remember. What captivated me was how it seemed like everything had... stopped.  Youth, vigour, adventure, and even  hope — they all seemed to have quietly left. Between the beach-like sand, the scent of r...

No, I don't hate children! I just give them a respectable distance! Fascination with Babies: Yearning for a Sibling I should begin with my fascination with babies. Though not the last kid in the house, I was the last child birthed by my mother, my cousin who lived with us was born barely two years after me. So I never really had exposure to babies, my earliest memory is at five years. All my aunts and uncles were really old, already in their late 30s-40s by the time I was born, so there was no expecting any new baby in the foreseeable future. For a time, I thought my mum would be that glimmer of hope, bringing forth a new baby that I could call my own. Yes, I said it " my own". But that hope was quickly dashed when my mum realised that she had fibroids and in hindsight, my dad wasn't particularly interested in another child anyway. Why was young Tobare obsessed with having a younger sibling anyway? The Outcast: Searching for Acceptance in Childhood Now, for some self-...

It's Soul  Do you ever listen to music and it just transports you to another place? Suddenly, it's like you are trapped in a whirlwind of emotions. 

This week I had a blast from the past! An old acquaintance reached out to me and I couldn't be more shocked. Suddenly, I had a flash of the old fresh college Tobare, who had just finished her first year with a 4.33 GPA feeling on top of the world. Here is how I met one of my many Doctor friends and had the best road trip to date. Grown Girl School had vacated, it was the end of my first year in the university and boy was it an unexpected ride. From crushes to roommates, my 100 level was full of drama! More drama than I had ever had in my entire life and as much as I didn't want to admit it, I loved it. I had moved my things to my uncle's house in Sapele and I was ready to leave for Abuja for the holiday. I started really getting good at doing my own makeup thanks to my bunkmate and youtube videos. Just Getting the perfect brows was a huge deal in 2016, but here I was with my very own complete set to play with. I was heading back home and I needed them to see that I was grow...

I might sound like an aging boomer, but really google is awesome. You’re probably wondering, “uhh, did you just discover that?” I mean I’ve always known it was awesome, I’d use it to settle arguments and solve earworms, and random what, where, or how questions. but I never really valued it until The Who came in?

 I’ve always had fantasies of fainting. As a child, I wished I could faint at the most opportune time, like when the entire class was about to get flogged and it got to my turn. How perfect would that be!

Today my mother said, she wished she had a father like mine. If she did, she said she would have soared high. She would have had dreams and done life a lot differently. While some of the things she placed value on, I do not necessarily agree with, I understood how the lack of a strong male representation affected her life. 

I have always had a love hate relationship with my name. I was one of those kids that  would cringe and quickly scream “Present”, during a roll call.

  What I thought was femininity  Femininity is not as simple as it seems. It is a concept that has evolved over time and differs from one culture to another. But in general, we can say that being feminine means being female and behaving in a way that society considers appropriate for females at that particular moment in time. Along with this society bombards women with an overwhelming amount of Beauty Demands. I never really had a first hand experience on femininity. My mother was a working class mother in Lagos, trying to raise three children while her husband was abroad. So you can imagine what time she had for herself. Needless to say my mother was never caught " un-fresh ". She always made sure she had her hair done, shaved her legs, restock on her earrings, her body creams (all anti-aging) and the usual "Shirley" for any unwanted blemishes. My sister and I would act plays in her wigs and head wraps and clutches.  If there's anything I ever looked forward to...

I want friendship not feelings!!!  For basically all my life I’ve been running towards the females and away from the males. No! This is not a coming out story! Rather this is one about my ever evolving friendship journey.

I have never been in love before. Well, how can I , this is a girl who thought Celine Dion’s “Because you love me” was a gospel song. Yet I cried to Toni’s “Unbreak my heart” and Brandy’s “Have you ever”,  all around the age of eight . My favourite genre is R n b Soul, which really is all about love. From heartbreaks, flings, to the ride of love. A journey the lyrics claimed were so painful, yet so necessary. There is something so raw about the emotion; love. The fact that it can move people to tears, make one giddy or even make you break windows, slash tires and kidnap your lover. I have observed all of these , but I have never understood it. Why are people willing to give up so much just for one person? I mean isn’t that why Christ died for us. Why does love always seem to be attached to sacrificing of some sort? Your body, your career, your dreams , your goals and sometimes even your life. Still beautiful. Needless to say, while it was difficult to understand, it was quite bea...

Why do men always feel so entitled? Entitled to your time, your number, your personal space or belongings, worst of all even entitlement to you! I wonder about the results when the tides were shifted a little. Will men feel comfortable if I just randomly call them "babe"? Especially if I wasn't what they'll consider attractive aka their "spec". Will they be okay if I give them a lift, and then hold them hostage just to get their number? Don't get me wrong, there's the chase of course when you find someone attractive. Women still like the chase but it has to be clear. She should have given you some inkling that she may consider you worthy of her time. No one likes a lacklustre lukewarm person who acts like they're interested in you but does the barest minimum.  Anyway here's a little Storytime  In my heydays in the university, I was a little bit popular in my first and second years. My first year, perhaps because I didn't care about anyone...

Life will humble you! One of my biggest challenges when I initially started university was sharing a bathroom with eight to ten other girls. Granted, I was one of the lucky ones; I was staying in a hostel with master bedrooms and ensuite bathrooms. Unlike other hostels, where each block had only one bathroom, which meant that up to 15-20 girls may share one bathroom, which most likely didn't even have a sink. Girls would rush up to the bathroom as soon as the cleaners were finished, if at all possible. We shared roosters, taking turns cleaning the room and bathrooms each day because our rooms were ensuite and we didn't have cleaners. We had control over how clean the place was, and whoever defaulted was held accountable. Nonetheless, as the saying goes, "rules are made to be broken," so the girls would clean whenever they wanted or not clean at all, citing various excuses. My Bathroom Fear. Bathing time, on the other hand, was one of my greatest concerns. why?...

Might as well call me Ms Doolittle¡¡!  Perhaps I have some hidden powers that attract animals to me. But unlike snow white, I actually don't want to sing and dance with them.

As a young girl, I would always worry about the fiasco that happened in the evening. All the females would assemble, under the dim-lit lanterns.  The clanging of pots, and the squishing of leaves. To the tinge of fishes slapping against hot oil and it was absolutely underwhelming. Everyone's face always seemed to be in some concoction of panic and anger. Tempers would rise over nearly burnt meat, Impatience over a stew taking too long. I was always forced to watch this fiasco,  and even try and contribute even if it were just passing a spoon. I longed for the restoration of my time, where the room wasn't charged with the urgency of feeding the folks, where salt wasn't sprinkled and pestle wasn't in a battle with the mortar, where my eyes didn't sting from the spices, and my tongue wasn't assaulted with a warring taste. Many a dishes would file out and I always wondered why I never liked them. The men would praise and lick their plates, my siblings would look lon...

It all started with one song, twenty-one pilots' ''good day'', this plays in the background as I commute to work looking dapper, well at least in my mind.

It was a regular Monday.  After a long day at work, all I wanted to do was eat, feed my dogs and crash. Never did I think it'll be the day I'll put my hands inside the mouth of a dog.