Friendship Dilemmas with the guys: I want friendship not feelings!!!

I want friendship not feelings!!! 

For basically all my life I’ve been running towards the females and away from the males. No! This is not a coming out story! Rather this is one about my ever evolving friendship journey.

I always fantasized about “The gang”, which I felt should only consist of females. Imagine my confusion when the gang didn’t want me? Now that I think about it, this is what mainstream media has always pushed. The ideal girl gang, the best friend’s troupe, the ladies and the babes. The only males that were ever found in this group identified as gay.

In the Nigerian home, well precisely mine, friendship with guys has always been frowned upon. Men have always been portrayed as potential abusers, users and playboys, who want nothing but your demise. I honestly don’t know what trauma my mom went to through to drive that into my head. Besides she had more male acquaintances than women, but that’s a story for another day. Of course, not everyone hears and just accepts whatever their parents tell them like me (People pleaser).

Something to explore?

My sister, who I like to call “the magnet”, has always been an attraction to boys, much to my mother’s chagrin. It didn’t help that she was a tomboy in her teens, she never ascribed to the female gang. 

The few female friends that she had, always seemed to have a falling out with her for the following reasons: 

a) she never fit into their box (e.g. liking makeup and fussing over hair). 

b) She always hung out with the boys who they had a crush on. 

c) She was much too clueless about the latest trends. The magnet had never really purposefully sought after boys; she just had mutual interests and just wanted to have fun. 

I always found it quite interesting that the warnings and demise my mother had forecasted never really came through with my sister’s friendships. I was surprised at how much fun they had and how interesting these boys were. Of course they were the usual crushes that never led anywhere but even after that they still remained friends.

So I started to wonder; was I missing out on something? A whole new gender of friendships that could provide just pure fun and honesty, not the usual self-deprecation I learnt and bullying I got from my female friendships? 

A whole new horizon 

I tried it! I noticed that in my early years I was being quite mean and vindictive towards boys, because I was told they were a bad omen I need to ward off from me. Not to mention they were the major source of my bullying, yet I decided to be brave.

However, what better way to start up new friendships than starting a new school. My family had just moved to the capital city Abuja, Nigeria and I took this as an opportunity to find new friends. What I discovered was a bunch of weirdoes like me, who loved anime, and music. Unfortunately, this didn’t last very long. It was the peak of puberty so the guys soon left their new friend for girlfriends.

Cut to my university days, I would gist with the guys, share movies and music, the usual mutual interests. But this time, these new found friends would start telling me about their feelings, much to my chagrin, because I really wanted just friends not feelings.  Now in my adult life, I am glad to say I have more male friends than females, but I still keep my distance wary of the old foe “feelings”! Perhaps there isn’t friendship with guys without feelings like my mother used to say, or maybe I just haven’t found the best of them. I wonder what my future holds and if I’d ever find my true gang.

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