From Expecting a Sibling to Embracing Dolls: A Journey of Loneliness, Longing, and Unconventional Friendship

No, I don't hate children! I just give them a respectable distance!

Fascination with Babies: Yearning for a Sibling

I should begin with my fascination with babies. Though not the last kid in the house, I was the last child birthed by my mother, my cousin who lived with us was born barely two years after me. So I never really had exposure to babies, my earliest memory is at five years. All my aunts and uncles were really old, already in their late 30s-40s by the time I was born, so there was no expecting any new baby in the foreseeable future.

For a time, I thought my mum would be that glimmer of hope, bringing forth a new baby that I could call my own. Yes, I said it " my own". But that hope was quickly dashed when my mum realised that she had fibroids and in hindsight, my dad wasn't particularly interested in another child anyway. Why was young Tobare obsessed with having a younger sibling anyway?

The Outcast: Searching for Acceptance in Childhood

Now, for some self-analysis and diagnosis. I had always been very reserved and was not particularly the first to be picked out in a friend group. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps, something about my face just seemed unapproachable to fellow five-year-olds. How I longed to play with them, ten-ten, hide and seek, who is in the garden etc. Unfortunately, I was never picked or was the last to be picked because they needed a partner.

So, I decided that by having a baby around I wouldn't have to wait to be picked and I could have my own team on my own terms. Unfortunately, the baby didn't come, so I turned to dolls.

Dolls: A Perfect Replacement for Real Babies

Dolls were a perfect replacement, they weren't alive. They wouldn't talk back and I could play with them however long and in whatever way I wanted to. Perhaps because dolls were more convenient, I began to have a disdain for babies. They cried, peed on your body and were not necessarily fun. The older I got the more I saw them as an unnecessary burden. So I kept my distance from them. 

Now I am really indifferent about babies, I am not excited to have them around. Once in a long while, I carry a cute baby or play with a funny toddler. Though I don't play with dolls anymore, I still give kids my distance. So, no I don't hate them, in fact, I find them quite fascinating. I just give them a respectable distance. 

You'd probably be wondering how all of these affected my real human friendships, well that will be a story for another day.