A Wish Upon a Fainting Spell

 I’ve always had fantasies of fainting.

As a child, I wished I could faint at the most opportune time, like when the entire class was about to get flogged and it got to my turn. How perfect would that be!

Just after one stroke, I’d faint, or perhaps after the sixth stroke so I wouldn’t seem like a wimp. I would collapse on the teacher’s hands, be whisked away to the clinic by my crushes and the teacher would come begging me not to lose his job. Of course that never happened, to my own chagrin, I survived all the random class punishments and flogging. Guess I’m not so fragile after all, thanks, mom! Besides the sickbay was next to the toilets, a fresh dose of urine drenched in izal will definitely bring you back to consciousness.

I soon forgot about this fantasy as a teenager, I became quite occupied with other “fantasies”, many of them involving my life as an adult with a fancy apartment. However, I will not bore you with ridiculous details. 

I do not remember exactly how it happened, but my sister fainted. I was excited, spare the judgment ok, she turned out to be fine. But it was exciting to me, I could finally ask what it felt like to actually faint, not the fake one people do when they place a palm over their heads. Imagine my disappointment when she said she couldn’t remember, of course, you should take note of everything that happens just before you pass out. It’s the least you could expect with one foot out to the other side. An experience that should be worth documenting. And boy did I document it!

My first time fainting

It was August of 2014, I was in Warri, fresh out of secondary school to write my post-UTME. My mum had gone with me because I had never traveled on my own. We couldn’t get a hotel close to school, so we had to leave quite early from my uncle’s house which was in another town about 40 minutes away. 

Feeling pretty confident, I decided to skip breakfast and get ready for my exam. In hindsight, I did feel a bit feverish that morning but I chalked it up to nerves. We finally got to school, and it was a sea of students. All colorful and young, all I ever expected in my fantasies. Since it’s the south, the rain came unannounced, and we had been waiting for hours for the department I was applying to be called. Thankfully, I was already making new friends, feeling off to a good start, and daydreaming about my roommates.

Once the rain became heavy, we had to run for shelter. There was something so exhilarating about running in an open field with my soon-to-be best friends. I ran while hoping I would never reach the health center which was the nearest shelter that could accommodate all the candidates on the field.

As I got to the building, I spotted my mum. The soldiers had pushed all the concerned parents to one building. My mom held a bottle of water and was quite relieved to see me. And it was at this moment it all went wrong.

Ebola?

Pushing through the crowds, I smiled trying to catch my breath and the last words I spoke to my mum was “I think I need to sit down ” and immediately collapsed to the ground.

Everything became blurry, I could hear screaming, wait is that mom, why does she sound that way? Am I losing my hearing? Does someone have Ebola? ….

I woke up to an IV and a room full of people, the nurses were urging to get out. My mother was thanking someone immensely and she looked like she had been crying. I tried to talk but my throat felt like I had just been back from the desert. 

Eventually, I started speaking and the first thing I asked was “Did I miss the exam?”, I mean all this couldn’t have been for nothing. Well fortunately I didn’t! Apparently, when I collapsed the crowds parted like the Red Sea. Ebola was all over the news, and of course, a bunch of teenagers who don’t read the news didn’t want to get infected by me. Someone was screaming I could have Ebola and everyone backed away. Eventually, one Benin boy according to my mom, carried me straight to the clinic bed for nurses to attend to me.

I guess fantasies do come through, he was not my crush but I got carried by a boy though I have no recollection. And hey the clinic was quite pleasant and so were the staff. Did I feel terrible? Of course, I did, felt like I was hit by a truck. And yes, I failed the exam and later came to be known as "the girl who fainted during post-UTME”, but that was one of many fainting spells to come!