I have never been in love before: Cautiously and Consciously single.

I have never been in love before.

Well, how can I , this is a girl who thought Celine Dion’s “Because you love me” was a gospel song. Yet I cried to Toni’s “Unbreak my heart” and Brandy’s “Have you ever”,  all around the age of eight.

My favourite genre is Rnb Soul, which really is all about love. From heartbreaks, flings, to the ride of love. A journey the lyrics claimed were so painful, yet so necessary. There is something so raw about the emotion; love. The fact that it can move people to tears, make one giddy or even make you break windows, slash tires and kidnap your lover.

I have observed all of these , but I have never understood it. Why are people willing to give up so much just for one person? I mean isn’t that why Christ died for us. Why does love always seem to be attached to sacrificing of some sort? Your body, your career, your dreams , your goals and sometimes even your life.

Still beautiful.

Needless to say, while it was difficult to understand, it was quite beautiful to watch. Yes, I may have experienced some heart fluttering vicariously through movie characters. The bold declaration in romcoms, the necessary confessions in K-Dramas and the heartfelt bridge in a summer walker or H.E.R song.

However, I am not totally devoid of this emotion. A few sparks have been ignited here and there by the usual crushes. But for the first time in my adult life, I got infatuated. It was a feeling like no other I had experienced. It wasn’t dependent on the other person; it wasn’t about someone liking me first. Most of all it was the first time since junior secondary school that I was physically attracted to someone, who also felt the same!!!

I didn’t know what to do with this, most of my previous crushes were calculated. I really didn’t have to do anything about them. I mean who was trying to be in a relationship at 10, 14 or 16 , uhh not me! Even in university, I was very conscious of not being side-tracked by boys and feelings.

Maybe I was on to something.

This came in like a whirlwind, forgive my cliché, but it did literally sweep me off my feet. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t thinking. Before you know it, I was saying yes to a date and almost said yes to a full-blown relationship. Wait, what! Exactly, what? It was then I knew something was wrong. I wasn’t thinking for weeks on end, only about this person. Trust me, I really needed to be doing some thinking at that point. I needed to plan and calculate; I had a lot of decisions to be made. But I just neglected everything and just focused on this one person.

 I was so tumbled up that I totally became silent around this person,  I clammed up. He’d complain about me not opening up. Now that I look back, I was really just lost in time and not the present. I was so awestruck at the possibility of experiencing “love”, especially with this person. Not a lot of people can boast of having a physically attractive partner, especially on the male side, well at least in my family. The women had always talked about the pretty boys and how they’d always cheat, and to always go for someone who loved you more or at least someone you looked better than. Wow, the standards!

Clarity

I needed it to stop, this constant cloud in my head about this person, that, honestly made me scared. I didn’t like the feeling of someone else overtaking my thoughts, that was mine and God’s only. It felt too close for comfort and I needed it to end. So, I did what any brave girl would do. I called it off before it even started! At first, I was frantic, I was letting go of a possibility, but that was really what it was, just a possibility. One I wasn’t even sure of, I was already daydreaming without actually being in the present. Most importantly, I wasn’t even really getting to know this person.

It feels good to have my thoughts back, even if they still ramble sometimes, I have the power to control them. I am still happy I got that experience, I got at least something close to what is described as romantic love. Perhaps that may be all I ever get, and if it is, I am glad my heart once fluttered and the butterflies did leap for something more than a crush, almost love.

But if I ever do fall in love with someone, I hope to do so with a clear head. As much as people try to deny it, Love, in all its sweeping and winding is still nothing but a choice!